Not Excited About Black Friday

About Black Friday, I wasn't excited. I felt my life was even more empty when I was in public. Being in public makes me realize about the harsh world and the reality of my worthless life that I avoid to face due to my fear and not being able to leave my past alone for knowing how worthless my life has been. I wish I could change my past (including others') by making it better, so I could have a better present and future. My present and future are ruined because of my horrible past. I know I shouldn't look back; I can't help but to think about the "what ifs" and how my life is now if my past had turned out better or differently.

Despite the fact I wasn't excited, I still went shopping to get what I needed-clothes and school supplies. I also bought a few things I wanted, although it didn't make me happy much. I feel selfish and guilty for buying things (whether I need them or not) whenever I think of people that don't have much or people that don't have anything, especially when I can't help them much. If I was wealthy, I would spend more money to help the people in need more than spending it on myself for luxurious items. I can be materialistic sometimes, but not to a point where I value materialistic things over important things (like values, life, compassion, generosity, etc). I used to think that having materialistic things solve the problems when they really don't. I used to be very materialistic; I didn't think or realize that anything matters in life until I opened my eyes. Maybe it was because my parents never taught me the kind of values that are supposed to be taught. All they ever care about is money (they were born to wealthy families). They only provide me financially including materialistic things that I would trade for them to provide me emotionally including unconditional love.