Feeling Blue During the Holidays

I have a lot on my mind today. I've been crying because I'm too depressed and I'm trapped with my personal issues that I'm struggling to solve. And my brother is making my situation worse by mocking me and taking pleasure from my pain of suffering from depression, disability, and how people including my family have treated me.

My head keeps on tremoring today. It started a few days ago. My brother said I might have tremors and I hope he's wrong. I need to go to a doctor to check up on my health, but maybe I won't because I'm too depressed that I don't even care about myself anymore.

I went to the mall today for window shopping. I'm not looking forward to the holidays. Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and I'm not happy one bit. I've been feeling blue for many years, especially during the holidays because I'm always alone. I don't have any friends and I'm not closed to my family. My parents are ignorant of my condition and they don't accept me for who I am. Since I live with them, they don't allow me to use any special service to get help for myself. I've been failing school for many years and I haven't gotten any real job, which is why I need the service badly. I also need a therapist, but my parents are very against it. Why? Is it because they don't believe in it or is it because they don't want me to get help leading me to death? According to them, whoever can't learn, do anything, or help themselves like any normal person is mentally retarded and they don't want me to be labeled as a retard. They want me to be accepted by society instead of being shunned by it. Why should I stoop so low just to blend into society when most people are so ignorant?

I wish I could be in a place where I could be happy. I wish I had a loving family like the family in those family movies and sitcoms. I wish I could be happy during the holidays feeling the magic and the excitement like in the holiday movies (like It's a Wonderful Like, Christmas Carol, Home Alone I & II, etc). Do my parents' misery and bitterness towards me stem from the fact I'm disabled? They have always resented me and it's obvious they don't care about my well being. They wish I was dead. In fact, they wish I was never born. If they had known about my condition in the womb, they would have aborted me without a doubt. But since I'm here now, the question is what's my purpose for living?

I'm too depressed and miserable to live life in reality. I'm only happy in my dream world. I wish my dream world would turn into reality.

I have a lot more to say about my life (mostly on anything that has to do with my autism, severe learning disability, cognitive disability, etc), but I need to stop now. I need a break. I'll continue next time.