Feeling Sick from a Cold

I have a cold. I think I started to have it on Wednesday (due to the feeling I always have before I feel the symptoms). I didn't start to feel the symptoms until yesterday night, so it took me three days to feel them. I hope I won't end up with a fever or flu. I can't afford to waste my time for being sick. How did I get sick? This will be like the third time I get sick during this fall semester. Why do I get sick so easily now? How weak has my immune system gotten?

Not Excited About Black Friday

About Black Friday, I wasn't excited. I felt my life was even more empty when I was in public. Being in public makes me realize about the harsh world and the reality of my worthless life that I avoid to face due to my fear and not being able to leave my past alone for knowing how worthless my life has been. I wish I could change my past (including others') by making it better, so I could have a better present and future. My present and future are ruined because of my horrible past. I know I shouldn't look back; I can't help but to think about the "what ifs" and how my life is now if my past had turned out better or differently.

Despite the fact I wasn't excited, I still went shopping to get what I needed-clothes and school supplies. I also bought a few things I wanted, although it didn't make me happy much. I feel selfish and guilty for buying things (whether I need them or not) whenever I think of people that don't have much or people that don't have anything, especially when I can't help them much. If I was wealthy, I would spend more money to help the people in need more than spending it on myself for luxurious items. I can be materialistic sometimes, but not to a point where I value materialistic things over important things (like values, life, compassion, generosity, etc). I used to think that having materialistic things solve the problems when they really don't. I used to be very materialistic; I didn't think or realize that anything matters in life until I opened my eyes. Maybe it was because my parents never taught me the kind of values that are supposed to be taught. All they ever care about is money (they were born to wealthy families). They only provide me financially including materialistic things that I would trade for them to provide me emotionally including unconditional love.

Looking back

There are so many sales that I want to buy, but I can't due to my lack of money. I don't feel like buying anything anyway because I don't really have my own money. I'm already too ashamed that I live off my parents and the fact that I can't support myself because of my situation and my condition. Most of the money I have doesn't from me, but my parents. The only money I've ever made is approximately thirty dollars from working as a cashier for only a day more than two years ago. I recall how horrendous that day was for me. My head was scrambled as I tried to do my job properly. I might have been quiet, but I was crying out for help that no one could hear on the inside. Not only did I struggled with that job, I also had to deal with my coworkers and customers that were mean and disrespectful to me because I couldn't do anything right. I felt horrible and regretful for not doing the service correctly for the customers. I was emotionally in pain on that day and my father made it worse for me after I got off. He kept yelling and screaming at me for keeping him waiting when I got lost after I walked off to the wrong path to find him. He became verbally abusive that I didn't want to remember what he said. I don't remember his exact words, but I remember that his words were pretty strong and offensive. He said he wished I was never born and that having me as a daughter was the worst thing for him in the world. Not only did I ruin his life, but also the world because of my existence. So he made it sound like he wanted me to kill myself or that he could go back in time to prevent my existence or to abort me.

After I got home, my mother got upset when I told her what happened. She said how could I not learn how to do the job as a cashier if I wasn't mentally retarded. Then my father laughed and mocked me as he called me a retard. He seemed to by enjoying inflicting pain on me as he took pleasure on my agony and sorrow. While my mother was being upset, she said she was very unfortunate to have a retarded daughter and that I have made her life tragic. I couldn't believe what I heard, even though I shouldn't be surprised knowing what kind of person she is (and same for my father). How dare she called that tragic when are there worse things happen in the world. I tried to explain to them about my condition, but either they didn't understand or they refused to listen because they have a right to believe whatever they want. I guess they will always be ignorant and think they're always right when they're really not.

Link Between Autism and Vaccination?

It's only a theory that vaccination is linked to autism. Looking back at my childhood, I realize that I got many shots from a pediatrician as a child. If vaccination really causes autism, does my autism cause vaccination or was I born with it, or is it both?

My parents said I didn't become very stupid or retarded until I started kindergarten. Now I'm beginning to think my autism PDD/PDD-NOS is linked to the vaccinations that I got as a child. How can I find out for sure? How can I get my hands on my medical records without my parents finding out? I don't even know where my medical records are. I can't see my family doctor without my parents finding out since I use their insurance. They don't want me to find out because they want me to be normal, so they don't want me to be labeled.

I have severe learning disability, cognitive disability, autism PDD or PDD-NOS, etc. I've dealt with many struggles in my life, so I really need to find out where my condition comes from.

Thanksgiving Day

I'm supposed to be happy and excited today, but I'm not. I haven't been in over 10 years. I didn't sleep well last night. I woke up with puffy eyes because I cried too much last night. Why do my eyes get puffy easily?

This Thanksgiving has been the same like it has been for the last 10 years. I want to go shopping tomorrow for Black Friday, but I don't have a heart to since I'm too depressed. I have no money, so I live off my parents, which is something I'm very ashamed of. I wish I had a job, but it's hard for me to find one and keep one due to my condition and disability.

Feeling Blue During the Holidays

I have a lot on my mind today. I've been crying because I'm too depressed and I'm trapped with my personal issues that I'm struggling to solve. And my brother is making my situation worse by mocking me and taking pleasure from my pain of suffering from depression, disability, and how people including my family have treated me.

My head keeps on tremoring today. It started a few days ago. My brother said I might have tremors and I hope he's wrong. I need to go to a doctor to check up on my health, but maybe I won't because I'm too depressed that I don't even care about myself anymore.

I went to the mall today for window shopping. I'm not looking forward to the holidays. Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and I'm not happy one bit. I've been feeling blue for many years, especially during the holidays because I'm always alone. I don't have any friends and I'm not closed to my family. My parents are ignorant of my condition and they don't accept me for who I am. Since I live with them, they don't allow me to use any special service to get help for myself. I've been failing school for many years and I haven't gotten any real job, which is why I need the service badly. I also need a therapist, but my parents are very against it. Why? Is it because they don't believe in it or is it because they don't want me to get help leading me to death? According to them, whoever can't learn, do anything, or help themselves like any normal person is mentally retarded and they don't want me to be labeled as a retard. They want me to be accepted by society instead of being shunned by it. Why should I stoop so low just to blend into society when most people are so ignorant?

I wish I could be in a place where I could be happy. I wish I had a loving family like the family in those family movies and sitcoms. I wish I could be happy during the holidays feeling the magic and the excitement like in the holiday movies (like It's a Wonderful Like, Christmas Carol, Home Alone I & II, etc). Do my parents' misery and bitterness towards me stem from the fact I'm disabled? They have always resented me and it's obvious they don't care about my well being. They wish I was dead. In fact, they wish I was never born. If they had known about my condition in the womb, they would have aborted me without a doubt. But since I'm here now, the question is what's my purpose for living?

I'm too depressed and miserable to live life in reality. I'm only happy in my dream world. I wish my dream world would turn into reality.

I have a lot more to say about my life (mostly on anything that has to do with my autism, severe learning disability, cognitive disability, etc), but I need to stop now. I need a break. I'll continue next time.

It's Saturday, so I have one more day to do and finish my school assignments. I always hesitate and procrastinate on my school work. I never learn my lesson, maybe it's time that I do now. Why do I always avoid and ignore the things that I need to do? Is it because I don't want to face my problems and the reality? I hate moving forward because its seems like it's not going to work because my past has already ruined my present and my future. All my prime and golden years are gone.

Baby P

I stumbled upon the story about Baby P yesterday on Yahoo! Answers, so I searched for more info about it. My heart broke as I almost cried when I read about how his mother, stepfather, and a lodger (possibly the stepfather's brother) abused, tortured, and murdered him. I can't believe these monsters will be freed one day. None of the taxpayers' money should be spent on them. They should be executed and sent to Hell, so that the demons of the Inferno can torture them the way they tortured Baby P for eternity. I demand poetic justice.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1085263/Social-workers-wanted-let-Baby-Ps-mother-child-jail-safeguard-human-rights.html

Sleepy...

I'm really tired and sleepy. I only slept about an hour last night. I slept during my whole free time in the school library.

I really need to catch up with my school work. I don't want to wait until the last minute because it will cause me to fail most of my classes.

I really need to pray to the lord. I need to have strong faith. My question is will God answer prayers to only people who have strong faith?

Frustrated and Stressed Out

I have a lot of catching up to do for school. I'm way behind with all my school assignments. There's a lot of work I need to make up. I wish I could handle being a full time student, but it's too much for me. I wish I could overcome the obstacle of my disability. I envy people that can work and be a full time student at the same time. It would be a miracle if I could pass all my classes this semester.

I feel so behind other people my age. At my age I should already be having a good career, not being a college student. I'm ashamed to be around my classmates that are a lot younger than me. I envy many people younger than me that have already achieved a lot. I've been dreaming of having a good career for years, but it seems like it's never going to happen--that it's only a dream.