New Year's Day

New Year's Day is almost over. My life has been empty for over 10 years. When will it ever change? I want a good change in my life. I wish I was somewhere else for a count down with loving friends and/or family members, but I don't have anyone in my life and I have no money. I feel so hopeless and useless that the 2009 year will either be the same or get worse.

I feel like it's too late to move on and start my life. I wish I could turn back the time to no later than 1998. I really regret missing out on my teen years. I wish I had a chance to be young to have fun and the adventure that I never got a chance to experience.

Christmas Day

I woke up after 5PM today. Christmas has been just like a regular day or should I say a more depressing and hopeless day? I've been sleeping during the day and waking up during the night for almost a week now. Although I don't have any money of my own, I really want to shop for the After Christmas Sale tomorrow because I love to bargain!

Christmas Eve

It's Christmas Eve and I'm not feeling the spirit or joy of Christmas at all. It's raining and the area I live in lack the joy and celebration of the holidays. I wish I was somewhere else instead of being home with my family (I don't feel any bond with them). I want to be somewhere that is full of joy, snow, and Christmas decorations. I feel so lonely and depressed. I wish I had loving family and friends to be with and give presents to experience the joy I've long for over 10 years. Where is God? Since He knows what I want, why hasn't He given what I want? I've been waiting for over 10 years. Is it because I haven't prayed enough or that I haven't prayed correctly?

Dear Lord,

Please heal my feelings of pain, depression, despair, hopelessness, bitterness, etc. Please give me the friends I need in my life. Please let me experience the joy of Christmas. And please help me with my struggles. I pray in the name of Jesus. Amen.

Staci

Winter Break

My finals ended on Thursday. Glad to get over it. I was completely lost and stressed out. I took five classes during the fall semester. I know I didn't pass one class; I passed three classes, but what about the last one? I hope I pass it. I hate repeating classes. I hate wasting time. I don't want to stay in college for ten years. I need to reach for my dreams, especially at a young age. I've already wasted for than ten years of my life being depressed and doing nothing useful.

Christmas is coming and I don't feel any joy or celebrating at all. It's not that I hate the holidays, it's just that I don't find any reason to celebrate at all since I have no one closed to me in my life and I've always been alone. It's always been like this for the past eleven years. Although I have materialistic things, I want something that's better like love, peace, and happiness with my love ones (that I've always longed to have).

Feeling Sick from a Cold

I have a cold. I think I started to have it on Wednesday (due to the feeling I always have before I feel the symptoms). I didn't start to feel the symptoms until yesterday night, so it took me three days to feel them. I hope I won't end up with a fever or flu. I can't afford to waste my time for being sick. How did I get sick? This will be like the third time I get sick during this fall semester. Why do I get sick so easily now? How weak has my immune system gotten?

Not Excited About Black Friday

About Black Friday, I wasn't excited. I felt my life was even more empty when I was in public. Being in public makes me realize about the harsh world and the reality of my worthless life that I avoid to face due to my fear and not being able to leave my past alone for knowing how worthless my life has been. I wish I could change my past (including others') by making it better, so I could have a better present and future. My present and future are ruined because of my horrible past. I know I shouldn't look back; I can't help but to think about the "what ifs" and how my life is now if my past had turned out better or differently.

Despite the fact I wasn't excited, I still went shopping to get what I needed-clothes and school supplies. I also bought a few things I wanted, although it didn't make me happy much. I feel selfish and guilty for buying things (whether I need them or not) whenever I think of people that don't have much or people that don't have anything, especially when I can't help them much. If I was wealthy, I would spend more money to help the people in need more than spending it on myself for luxurious items. I can be materialistic sometimes, but not to a point where I value materialistic things over important things (like values, life, compassion, generosity, etc). I used to think that having materialistic things solve the problems when they really don't. I used to be very materialistic; I didn't think or realize that anything matters in life until I opened my eyes. Maybe it was because my parents never taught me the kind of values that are supposed to be taught. All they ever care about is money (they were born to wealthy families). They only provide me financially including materialistic things that I would trade for them to provide me emotionally including unconditional love.

Looking back

There are so many sales that I want to buy, but I can't due to my lack of money. I don't feel like buying anything anyway because I don't really have my own money. I'm already too ashamed that I live off my parents and the fact that I can't support myself because of my situation and my condition. Most of the money I have doesn't from me, but my parents. The only money I've ever made is approximately thirty dollars from working as a cashier for only a day more than two years ago. I recall how horrendous that day was for me. My head was scrambled as I tried to do my job properly. I might have been quiet, but I was crying out for help that no one could hear on the inside. Not only did I struggled with that job, I also had to deal with my coworkers and customers that were mean and disrespectful to me because I couldn't do anything right. I felt horrible and regretful for not doing the service correctly for the customers. I was emotionally in pain on that day and my father made it worse for me after I got off. He kept yelling and screaming at me for keeping him waiting when I got lost after I walked off to the wrong path to find him. He became verbally abusive that I didn't want to remember what he said. I don't remember his exact words, but I remember that his words were pretty strong and offensive. He said he wished I was never born and that having me as a daughter was the worst thing for him in the world. Not only did I ruin his life, but also the world because of my existence. So he made it sound like he wanted me to kill myself or that he could go back in time to prevent my existence or to abort me.

After I got home, my mother got upset when I told her what happened. She said how could I not learn how to do the job as a cashier if I wasn't mentally retarded. Then my father laughed and mocked me as he called me a retard. He seemed to by enjoying inflicting pain on me as he took pleasure on my agony and sorrow. While my mother was being upset, she said she was very unfortunate to have a retarded daughter and that I have made her life tragic. I couldn't believe what I heard, even though I shouldn't be surprised knowing what kind of person she is (and same for my father). How dare she called that tragic when are there worse things happen in the world. I tried to explain to them about my condition, but either they didn't understand or they refused to listen because they have a right to believe whatever they want. I guess they will always be ignorant and think they're always right when they're really not.